No perfect place
I’ve always been skeptical of being in a place of complete and utter contentment. And I don’t know if that’s just me being paranoid or defeated, but I’m not at rest at home nor at work nor outside.
There’s just something intrinsically disturbing about this period of my life, and I have a very strong feeling it’s because of what decisions I made earlier on in my life.
The most frustrating part about this is that I’m getting close to 30 years of age, and after being so set on my ways, it has become almost impossible to gauge right from wrong, true and false. This is partially due to ambiguity and abstraction that I’ve employed to define my life.
I remember those years I was a teenage geek, utterly hopeless and vying for intimacy - I used to fill my head with all kinds of odd ideas about camraderie, companionship, world systems and altruism… all picked up from many years of R.E.M., Ben Folds Five, Friends, and the X-Files.
10 years later, I’m still trying to reconcile those ideas.
So now, it’s a case of three worlds colliding - my childhood years, my teenage years, and my post-conversion Christian life.
I do not know if this struggle will inevitably carry on until I die, but I know that I will have to make certain decisions in order to secure the important parts of my life from more distress. And hinting at that are areas in my life regarding relationships, vocation, contribution, and purpose.
The rest could be peripheral, I don’t know. But the state of my mind now looks like my apartment - an uncoordinated mess.
Maybe I’m just dealing with all this weird transition stuff. Does anyone relate?
Categorized as life