I just want to be normal
I just got done watching Episode 1 of TopGear’s Season 5. It was entertaining, no doubt - it’s got great storytelling, visuals, and of course, cars. But while I was watching it, I couldn’t help but ignore this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that the time spent watching the show wasn’t ever going to come back.
I know, it’s stupid.
It’s not going to make a difference that I watch one or twenty TopGear episodes. It’s how I manage my time. And my previous post already reveals signs that I haven’t been doing much good with my time, and the fact that I’m blogging about it at 2.30am in the morning is absolute proof that I have no control of my life whatsoever, apart from anxiously waiting for that UK visa.
It’s the same effect as someone watching TV in the 80s. I’ve not gone any further than I intended.
Sure, I’m one step closer to a dream job, travel opportunities, settling down… but there are no real guarantees. I have no idea if I’ll succeed, let alone find what I want - simply because I haven’t got much of a clue how to get there.
I have the same basic formula that makes sense. Get in, apply for a job, do my best, and hope to win. I don’t have a magic formula.
The only thing I have is motivation. Not from myself, of course. But from all the junk I’ve consumed over the last 29 years of my life. I’ve somehow managed to piece together that it’s the right thing to do.
Here’s what I’ve been consuming over the last year:
- The World is Flat, by Thomas L. Friedman
- The Art of the Start (ChangeThis edition), Guy Kawasaki
- A whole bunch of stuff from Seth Godin
- The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell
- TopGear
- BusinessWeek.com
- Wired
- Usability blogs and books
- Brazen Careerist and stuff from Penelope Trunk
- FreelanceSwitch
- T3 and Stuff magazine, but they don’t count
From this, I can summarize all the motivational sources that led to my decision to go to the UK and pursue a user experience career.
- Cars (preferrably nice and affordable)
- Design, innovation and startups (big topic these days)
- Where work sucks less
- Great user experience
It’s like saying, I am what I consume. So if you want to end up in Japan, read tons of manga, learn Japanese, drive a Nissan, etc.
From what I’ve been reading, of course it’s the right thing to do. Of course innovation is important. Of course the world is flat. Of course user experience will revolutionize computing. And it would be great if everyone’s doing the same thing, singing the same praises, and having a good time together.
But they’re not.
There’s no revolution. No great ideas. No great destination. No news. Nothing. People talk about what’s on telly. The Olympics. Michael Phelps. Or games they’ve been playing. Or movies they’ve been watching. They go to the same places to eat. They talk about the same jobs they’ve been having. They mull over stuff they don’t have. And I wouldn’t be able to prove them wrong. That’s just life.
But you know, it really makes me feel out of place. And I hate that. Because I’m not like that at all.
The reason why I hate it is because I want to feel a sense of belonging. I want to share something in common with someone else. I want to really have something to talk about. But I don’t. Nothing that comes out of my mouth makes much sense to other people around me. It only makes sense to me.
My decision to go to UK is a final attempt at finding out if I’m normal. Because I want to be normal. I don’t want to be the geek, or the outcast, or the “guru”, or the inspiring guy anymore. I just want to be normal. I want to just do my own thing, and not have to convince anyone that I’m right or wrong. And I don’t want to change myself to get there.
Maybe I’ll find it, maybe I won’t. But it’s worth an attempt, and it’s worth the story I get to tell my grandchildren.
Categorized as discoveries/i want, life