I met an old friend for lunch today. She was talking about making a big change in her life, and we were talking about how scary that whole process is. We talked a long time about the sort of ups and downs you go through when you make big changes like that – the fear of being alienated, of making the wrong choices, of not knowing exactly what to do, but more importantly – doing it alone.

Making these big changes in our lives, as we were brought up to value stable jobs and live comfortably, is akin to abandoning our roots, values, and partly, the security of the family community. While this isn’t ostracism, the abandonment comes from a lack of understanding – family and friends just don’t know what in the world we’re getting into and can’t give us the guidance, mentorship and support we really need. It’s not that they won’t – they just can’t.

And it’s just not about money or a place to stay. It big hurdle about surviving a change is the rite of passage that you need to go through to get started, establish yourself in a new place, and finally succeed.

Change Hurts

When I made a decision to leave a comfortable life in Malaysia, I got really depressed and my wife had to push me to get the visa done because I did not have the energy to do it myself. It was depressing selling away all the IKEA furniture that I painstakingly and lovingly bought and put together, some not even a year old. The worst was seeing the lovely Edefors oak table being draped by my wife’s grandmother with a plastic tablecloth to “protect” it – a very Asian thing.

Needless to say, it was sad to see my friends and family for the last time. I wasn’t sure how to react – how do you put on a face in front of some of your closest mates and tell them you’re leaving for good? Everything had to be done fast so I didn’t have time. What time I had, we just spent like good old days having meals and good laughs. Through all this, we had our visa turned down once and my wife and I had several arguments in the heat of anxiety. It wasn’t the best of times.

Yes, once the apartment and furniture was sold off, a big burden had lifted off. We were elated when my course acceptance came in the mail in the nick of time. We knew we had friends and relatives in London who were welcoming us with open arms. We knew and loved the city. I was excited about the course, and the possibilities. We felt God’s peace and felt that it was the right thing to do. But it was still a painful process – I have the memories of those things we went through, a testament of our journey.

I Network out of the Need to Survive

At times like these, real and authentic relationships were the only thing that got me back up and running. I could’ve said we survived on dreams and inspirations, or on the timely opportunities of job offers, or on the creature comforts like having our own accommodation. But friendships and precious encounters I’ve had from meeting like-minded people – people who share the same vision and goal – are the sorts of things that plant my feet firmly here in London: family, friends, coursemates, new friends I’ve met from the industry, colleagues.

Thinking back – these relationships didn’t just fall into my lap. Some relationships happened only because I went out and searched for it. Some took a lot more effort and time. But I knew that I needed it in order to survive. And that’s what change does to you.

Change forces you to take hold of what you need most in order to survive for the long run. It’s like being stranded on an island and re-learning the fundamentals all over again – what it really means to live. I don’t simply talk about the people I’ve met and how things “worked out” for me – as though others should try networking like it was putting on a new pair of jeans. These people mean much more to me than just opportunities.

You can tell yourself all you want about how inauthentic networking can be and how artificial that whole experience feels. Or, you can tell yourself that it sucks being alone with your ideas and that you need genuine relationships and genuine conversations over things that you really do care about.

For me, I did it because I knew no other way.

• social graphing tool
• messaging tool
• friending tool

Twitter works best in two ways:

• avid follower
• ambient intimacy (credits to Cennydd Bowles for introducing the term to me)

Avid Follower

An avid follower is someone who uses Twitter to see what other interesting people are up to. Recently, a massive surve of celebrities have hopped onto the twitter bandwagon, creating what seems to be a tipping-point of the phenomenon. But that’s twitter for the mainstream. Consider specific industries, especially the web-related ones. Twitter is really great for getting to know prominent leaders in the field, and for getting the latest scoop about stuff around their lives.

Ambient Intimacy

Twitter is also great for folks who want to keep track of each other’s activities. I know it sounds a lot like Facebook, but it’s harder to add someone to your facebook account that you don’t know. With twitter, there’s less problems because it doesn’t reveal a lot about you. People who choose to follow you on twitter should already know who you are, by trusting what you have already published online, or by your twitter history.

It’s for that conference meet-up where you met someone but didn’t want to send emails to over and over again, or that pub meet where you wanted to find out more about the speaker who gave an interesting presentation.

It’s also useful for self-organized groups, such as volunteer groups or charities, where everyone does their own thing, but comes together once in awhile to do something. It’s easy to pick up on a conversation from a Twitter post at the next meetup.

Twitter works for me

I’ve found Twitter to be beneficial for me in the following ways:

• exchanging ideas with people from the user experience industry
• finding out the latest news or events
• exploring opportunities offered by people that I’m following (jobs, promos, offers, etc.)

Some people use twitter for social accountability, or as a to-do list. Some applications extend their functionality with twitter as an alert tool – rememberthemilk is one of them.

But you already knew that.

What you may not know is how fast I can get to know people on twitter, which helps to break down the ice when I speak to people or want to build on relationships.

I recently volunteered for a project involving some really fantastic people in the user experience industry. It was really hard at first to speak up, especially when I consider my relative lack of experience in the field – but because everyone encouraged each other to connect via twitter, I am starting to get to know these individuals a bit better, even though we’ve never met in person.

Filling the gaps

Twitter isn’t a substitute for real face-to-face relationships, but it does fill some gaps – especially in between times when you don’t meet face-to-face with people. It makes sense for some of us who are really busy but still want to maintain good relationships, and for those of us who want to build relationships that cross physical barriers.

I don’t think calling Twitter a “micro-blogging” platform does it justice – simply because people tend to think of it as a small blog. It’s not quite that. There are a lot of things that tend to be published on blogs require more than the 140 character limit that’s placed on each tweet, and people just don’t understand why they would want to blog about walking their dog or eating a sandwich.

So, coming back to the ‘ambient intimacy’ term – I believe it’s really all about that “gap” of relationships you wanted to address – people who you want to build a relationships with or get to know, who aren’t as accessible.

With all that said, I’m looking to meet new people: http://twitter.com/jaremfan

Is networking with other people really hard or are people just saying that for the heck of it?

I’m past term one at school, and of course we’re not in undergraduate school anymore. Everyone here has a mindset of getting a job or getting a better job. So why can’t some folks shake off the idea that you do meet people in the workplace and that it’s just not that hard?

Anyway, I’m not that great in networking, but I’m not adverse to it. But maybe what I think about might help some of you who think it’s all about ‘fitting in’ and practising your lines.

It’s not about you

Firstly, networking isn’t just about you. It’s about other people, too. People talk because it fills a need. Look at it as charity – you’re giving someone an opportunity to have a conversation. You just happen to be there, and you’re there to offer an ear. In return for that, people might start relationships with you. Some may not. But it’s not a guarantee. It never is. Don’t sweat it. Just go with the flow. It’s not like you’re being selfish or anything.

Make use of the opportunities

“Get out and meet people” means going on Meetup.com and looking to see what’s happening locally around you. Or getting on LinkedIn and finding someone local who has similar interests. Find something in common. It’s just easier to get in touch with someone that way. And don’t just single out the ones you want for a job, or a mentor, or job advice. Do it for your hobbies too. Or your community. Make it a habit. No, make it a lifestyle. It’s one of those things you don’t have to finish overnight. You can start something, wait awhile, start something else… and see what happens along the way. But you need to step a little further out of your comfort zone.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing

Ok, so you’ve poked all of your facebook contacts, posted New Year greetings on their Walls, commented half a dozen questions on LinkedIn, volunteered for a project on an online community. Why is everyone still so quiet?

Sometimes, people take time to read their emails. They go for vacations. They might not be in the mood for facebook. Whatever the reason, it’s not your fault. Unless you’ve turned yourself into a psychotic stalker, you haven’t done anything wrong. Just relax and get on with your life. Maybe there’s a movie you’ve always wanted to watch, or you could catch up on that novel that’s been sitting there for months.

You’ll start to notice things come back round. It might not take off right away, but folks will remember you. Then the cycle starts again.

Ok, but what I really want is a [insert need here]

You want a job. You want more sales leads. Or a girlfriend. Whatever.

The best thing to do at this point is not to think too much. Keep your options open, and vary your methods a little. Instead of posting on Facebook all the time, try a different bunch of social circles. I’ve found really great ones I’ve build networks on in the user experience field from Meetup.com, even from blogs or google groups. I’ve found photography groups I might plugged into in the future. Some people post out shouts on magazines or newspapers – you could try looking into the dailies for a change. One of the jobs I’m really thankful for was found on gumtree, an online trading post like craigslist – and the people I work with are really fantastic. You’ll never know what you’ll find.

But I’ve heard stories about…

It’s true. You do get oddballs out there. There’s some advice out there about how to keep your distance. That’s especially true if you’re in a vulnerable position. Sometimes, doing it with a friend helps. Or meeting in a very public place. Keeping tabs of what personal information you give out is important too. Learn more about privacy settings on Facebook and LinkedIn. Keep personal information to friends and family only. Email is fine – you can always treat malicious emails as spam. But networking’s not worth avoiding altogether for the chance of meeting a goof. Most people don’t end up that way, anyway.

So, what are you waiting for?

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